Drinking wine in the dark…

…watching sappy romantic comedies. Perhaps I am a hypocrite, yes, I probably am.

I tell myself that I am ‘good’ with being alone but if that were true them why am I sitting in my apartment all by myself drinking a glass of Merlot and watching a stupid movie about loves redemption?

I know that in my heart I am happiest when I am loved by a woman whom I have chosen to reciprocate that same solemn emotion.

I also know that my darkest and deepest depressions has always followed a broken relationship that I thought meant as much to me as I mistakenly thought it did them. That is why when I do allow myself to step slowly back into the abyss of the socially accepted realm of mutual adoration with  another woman, I get a paralyzing fit of anxiety that makes me insecure and untrusting. I feel like I am in a box and someone is about to close the lid and lock me into a void of darkness that may finally destroy me once and for all.

I also know I have so much to offer if I would allow myself to walk through that tempest we call love.

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